i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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