I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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