Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
