I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
