What did we do last night that was yellow?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
