normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
