he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
