I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
