I bet he comes in French.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
