I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dignity is for republicans.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
