i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Quick, to the slutcave!
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
