It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
