not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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