God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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