ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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