I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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