We won't sleep together?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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