I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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