I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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