Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
