I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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