I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
