i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
