just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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