Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
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Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I will be naked everywhere
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
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Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.