I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
