It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
