Someone shit on the floor
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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