first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
