I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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