I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
