i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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