My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
