dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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