Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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