Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you had me at cake vodka
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
