when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
