Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
