i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
