if you like me you must not know who I am
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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