In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.