I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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