Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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