Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
