Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
