My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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