dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
A bitchslap is in order.
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