There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
