saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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