Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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