I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize