stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
