i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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