Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
