So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
