One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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