see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
