an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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