I understand Curling. That high.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
