everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
