1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
