Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
